A few observations on the laws of pet ownership...

I thought perhaps I would do something on the laws of physics and how they apply to my pets anyway.

We've all heard "An object at rest tends to stay at rest", well that doesn't quite apply to pets now does it?



Here's my take on things:

1. A cat in full sleep mode attains a semi-liquid condition and cannot be picked up easily.

2. Waking a dog suddenly from full sleep mode tends to get the offender bitten.

3. If your book, magazine, paper, etc is open either on a lap or flat surface, this is an absolute invitation to your cat to occupy said space for maximum attention.

4. If you have more than 2 pets in a house, expect to find fur in your food and drink.

5. When you are in a hurry to be dressed to leave for something important will be the time the cat hacks up a furball into your shoes, or the dog to develop diarrhea on the carpet.

6. Forget being able to wear all black again, it doesn't matter the type of fabric, it is an absolute magnet for all possible light colored fur in the home.

7. Cat's tails will always find a way to be where you are just setting your foot down when you are never ever fully awake. You will be soon though!

8. Cats really do expand to fill a space! A kingsize bed is a necessity for the pets not a luxury.

9. Pets will seek out the warmest locations in cold weather, this means under the covers snuggled up to you until you try to roll over then you get the switchblade effect.

10. Trying to be considerate of your sleeping spouse and quietly creeping in to bed is a sure way to get bitten by the dog who thinks you're the bogeyman after his mamma.

11. Your having a tummyache is a sure invitation to the heaviest cat in the house  to come make you feel better by standing with all his weight on two feet or actively kneading your tummy.

12. Intimacy is an invitation for the pets to give you the "Oh Yuck" digusted look and stare at you.

13.  If you are looking for something important, and in a hurry, this is probably the signal that it's been chewed up by one of the dogs or been drug off an hidden by a cat as a toy for later.

14. Don't leave sparkly items out, like jewelry, the result is the same at #13.

15. Sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack is a sure signal that the dogs are to bark at you instead of barking at the person sneaking through your backyard.

16. You glass with ice water in it is much tastier when the paw is dipped in and licked off. This ensures that it is no longer the Hooman's water.

17. Never wear too much cologne, you will surely be watered down (peed on) by the dog before you can leave for your date, thereby ensuring you change clothes at least once to reduce the aromas.

18. Going to bed too early because you're exhausted is a mistake, it will ensure that the dogs feel you didn't spend enough time with them and they will howl and sing for the next 10 to 20 minutes.

19. Trying to be considerate of others still sleeping and not turning on lights ensures you will trip over a cat, especially if it's anywhere near the stairs.

20. If it's lit up and sparkly it must be the Christmas Tree and therefore requires climbing and playing with all the sparklies!

21. If the plate has food that has melted cheese or roasted meat on it, if you get up from the table to get something it will certainly be gone before you get back.



22. If it's a bag, or box and it's empty, it's now the cat's playhouse and ankles and toes are fair game.

23. No matter how frustrating they can be at times, they still give you unconditional love.

I am sure I have missed some in here some where, but these are what I can remember or come up with, have anything to add?

Life or rather work is better with pets?

Ok, so after the serious subjects lately I figure it's time for a bit of humor. Meet Yummy, my extrovert, and my brother's newest PR assistant.



My brother is currently visiting with us to help my father with things and while he is here, he is telecommuting for his work. He provides technical support and troubleshooting for a communications archive company. So while he is working during the day, it is from my home. While it's nice for us to think about bouncing out of bed and going straight to work in your jammies, having your sister's pets around can make those customer support calls interesting. Or retriving information on your computer while talking to a customer.

Well, I think Yum had decided that my brother needs a little PR help now and then. Yesterday apparently my brother had a an unhappy customer on the line he was patiently trying to help. The customer asks him where he's located and he tells the customer that he's based out of Portland, Oregon.  Little bit further into the call, and the customer is still grumpy when Yummy comes into the room, puts his front paws on my brother's knees and meows at him in a plaintive voice, obviously looking for love and affection.  The client hears this siamese meow and asks my brother, "What the heck was that? A Cat?"  My brother replied "Yep, it's my sisters cat.  I'm working remotely and he seems to think anytime is a fine time for him getting loved on."  To which the customer responds "Don't I know it. My Cat thinks the middle of a trading rush is a prime time to sit down in front of my computer screens."  They ended up laughing about it, and the situation was taken care of with the customer in a much better mood.

Hmmmmm, Now if only Yum would do that on cue! Animals are so good at relieving stress. And sometimes I think my brother thinks he's there to create it. He has also without warning jumped up, and either walked across the keyboard or in front of his monitors at inopportune times, usually at least once a day. Personally I think it's comic relief, reminding you to take time out and not get so wound up over things.  But then Yummy does it to me too, if he is adamant about wanting attention, he'll get up on the desk and then into your lap and stretch his bulk over your tummy and chest and then give you the sweetest, most polite, kiss on the tip of your nose, give you the baby blues, and demand attention. I am sure he's tried this trick on my brother too.

Maybe we need more like him working in public relations jobs!

A bit of humor: How to photograph a puppy and How to give your cat a pill

Well, as I've had such a sad start to the week, I figured by now a little humor might brighten things up. They are both "How To's" which when I first read them years ago had me in tears I was laughing so hard. I hope you'll enjoy them now......



How to Photograph a Puppy (before digital cameras)

1.  Remove film from box and load camera.

2.  Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.

3.  Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4.  Choose a suitable background for photo.

5.  Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.

6.  Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7.  Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8.  Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9.  Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"

16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.

17. Fix a drink.

18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.





How to give your cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding front and rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foilwrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap,

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive to you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house-call.

And..... Remember, kitties hold a grudge and will get back at you when you least expect it!

Life is better with pets? It's certainly more humorous....

Mornings with my crew of cats can be interesting. At least 2 of them insist on being on the counter, with Yum usually underfoot. I don't understand how a cat could have this magnetic attraction in his tail to know when to swish it and place it exactly where your foot is coming down! It's a rough way to wake up in the morning..... Who needs an alarm clock? Needless to say those abrupt and "startling" yeowls and screams aren't good for the husband's blood pressure (mine either for that matter) and tends to make him cranky. So you learn to shuffle your feet and get creative about putting contact lenses in with a counter full of furry beasts, who by the way if you put them down, will run out one door and quickly come in the other and back up on the counter before you can get the lens case open. I believe they think that by being pests it will get them fed that much sooner. These hurry up antics can include peeking around the shower curtain to make sure you haven't drowned so that they will still get breakfast. And if the checking on you in the shower determines that you are just lollygagging in the shower the other who is still on the counter starts knocking small important things off, like lens cases, combs, other sundry and small items, and then gets down to carry them off somewhere. It's a conspiracy! And while humorous, it can be a bit challenging! Certainly gets your brain working in the mornings.

And then there was this morning a bit of humor on my husband. He gets every other Friday off, and had intended to sleep in this morning. HA! He had gotten up to answer the call of nature and as he was shuffling back to bed,  Djinn, our Russian Blue, decided that he would race into the room, run across the bed, and jump over to my dresser to grab my husband to get his attention. Well, for the most part it might have worked, except that as he was in leaving the bed for the dresser, he collided with my husband. Startling wake up call for both there. Husband had to chuckle because Djinn just sat on the floor looking totally befuddled and a "what the hell happened?" look on his face.

Djinn is also the bathroom counter item thief, and the most inconspicuous imp in the household. Oh he looks cute and innocent, but believe me he is an instigator.



Then when you are finally dressed, and ready to head downstairs, you must make sure there is a light on. Otherwise you are running the moving obstacle course blind. And the cats won't go downstairs until they know for certain you are right there with them. Never dull round our place, no siree.

Then there is the grabbing snipers. One of my previous cats taught the others this lovely trick. Find someplace to perch at least human waist height or above them. Then as the unsuspecting human goes by, and they think they should be paid homage by that human, a fully weaponized (paw with switchieblades extended) will grab you. And they are good at this law of grabbity, and snagging the most sensitive place they can that will elicit the most exciting reactions. So, unless I am very very distracted, I have learned to watch ahead for grabbers.
However, I do have to say that bedtime is nice with the cats, especially in the winter as they all cuddle and purr you to sleep. The husband laughs and says I am a purr addict, and I certainly don't deny it.

For all the challenges, I wouldn't be without them, Love them all and they do return it. So anyone who says animals don't have personalities or only know what you teach them, I would probably invite them to spend time with my crew. :o)

The antics of a rhino in kitty clothes

Yummy, is our big beautiful blue eyed Siamese cross, who is very fluffy and very, very large. He is somewhere in the range of 23 to 25 pounds. And no matter what I try to do to get him to lose the weight, it doesn't work. Oh don't get me wrong, he's certainly not lazy and is very fleet on his feet. But he has all the grace of a Rhino. And if you are downstairs you can hear him when he does his "Santa Fe 500" laps upstairs being full of himself. He even sounds like a Rhino or an Elephant thumping around up there.

We all know that cats usually are known for their grace and stealth, but there is usually one like Yummy who defies this description the majority of the time. Bless his big blue eyes, he can be stealthy when he's sneaking up on you, but he will never be called graceful. Perhaps this is the reason for the "muscle" bulk, to make up for grace, he gets the power. He's not klutzy, he's just not graceful. And you certainly know it if he steps on you or has you well tucked into bed. He can sneak into bed with you, then claim you as his comfy spot. And moving him off you or off the covers that are between you and the side of the bed, is about like trying to move a liquid lead lump. He sleeps heavy and heaven help you if you need to get out of bed in a hurry. We have discovered though that you can roll him down the covers as it were to get enough space to get out of bed. The frustrating thing is that he then has the audacity to actually show up to the bathroom before you, when you were positive that he was still in bed.

Mornings can be especially entertaining. I am usually up first while my husband will try to grab a few more Z's before he has to climb out of bed. It isn't long after I am up before Yum will decide that he must chase his tail as if it is a demon following him on the bed. Yes, he'll pretend his tail is an alien. One morning he caught it and actually bit himself. Talk about startling! He scared himself and went flying off the bed and downstairs before you could say "Holy Moly!" I don't think his feet touched the floor from the bed to the stairs. Needless to say though, it doesn't help the husband catch many more Z's. The bed feels like a little trampoline when Yum is playing like this on it. Which is why we don't own a waterbed anymore. One the occasional  leak occurred, two, you got seasick.

He considers my husband his pet. And will dole out his nose kisses to me very sparingly should he be feeling generous or pestering me for something. Otherwise I only get love bites, while his "pet" gets "exfoliated".  My lord he must have the roughest tongue of any cat I have ever had. The only thing rougher I have felt (although slimier) was a bull I knew who would use his tongue to wrap around your wrist to take hay from your hand. That being said, we are very fond of our Rhino in kitty clothes, he provides us with love and A LOT of humor. For example, watching him run when he's being full of himself and then go flying over one of the child gates we use for the dogs. He can even clear a child gate from a sitting position. However, these leaps are definitely NOT graceful, they are more like watching a moose or something go over a hurdle. Actually, I believe the moose may be more graceful.

So, if anyone dares to tell you that an animal has absolutely no personality (my high school anatomy & physiology teacher said this) or that they only know what you teach them; ask the person what planet did they come from? They are obviously stupid.