This week has been especially tough for us, and actually the last two weeks haven't been easy at all. I have had such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that cancer can grow and spread so very fast. I really did my best to keep hope that it wouldn't be so fast. And watching as it takes over my little guy's body is so very heartbreaking. Such an awful disease for anyone or any animal. I don't think anyone or any furbaby deserves it, so not fair.
Right now it's just after 4am, and I have been awake probably since around 1:30 or so. I can't sleep, it's time today, time to give him that ultimate gift of compassion and allow him to pass with grace, dignity and no more pain. And actually knowing this is tearing me up.
Someone I know made a remark to me yesterday about how it was best to "put him out of his misery". I have found that I really dislike that term. To me that term has always meant that you can't stand to see them "suffer" or that their condition makes you uncomfortable and you are putting them out of your misery. It's an awful term in my humble opinion. Misery to me means unhappiness, in a situation that seems hopeless, abuse, but not dying or in constant pain. I tried to explain to this person what it meant to me, and how just because an animal may develop a disability and it may be uncomfortable for you to watch them adapt or your perception of that disability is in a low place that you perceive they are in misery.
Actually many times they aren't. Animals are so much more adaptable in overcoming disabilities than we are. And it's their ability to adapt and overcome them that makes them so amazing and strong.
I noted to this person that knowing when to let them go is a harder and vastly different thing. She asked me what would you look for. I had to shake my head at that one because if you are truly in tune with your pet or animal companion, you would know when, they tell you when it's their time to be let go and when they need help letting go. This and knowing how to judge when they truly are suffering, in pain, and their quality of life is no longer there. They give us so very much that it's our responsibility to give them the loving and care all the way through their lives that we can.
All this is part in parcel of knowing when, and last night Djinn couldn't have told me any louder. This awful disease is progressing so much faster that I could have thought. This little guy has so much love in him it's incredible. He started his life somewhere, and someone did not want him by the time he was 6 months old and he ended up in our local shelter. He was slated for euthanasia when my dad found him for me. Needless to say, we've never regretted that decision 13 yrs later. He's been an amazing personality and always communicated through his eyes. And he is my reason for being so addicted to purring. And throughout all of this with the cancer and everything, he is still purring. I have only to hold him or pet him with love and he purrs. I think it's this strength that he has that even though he really is suffering now and in pain, that he continues to give of himself that makes this so very hard. And however much I don't want to lose that love and companionship, I know I need to do what is right by him. I cannot really let him suffer at all anymore. When you are truly in tune and aware of your pets and companions, you do truly know when, and they really do tell you it's time.
I have to admit though that it is so hard, and I am so sad and mad about having to make that trip and tell the vet yet again. And come home empty handed. My home and my heart will feel so empty for some time, and even knowing that you did all you could and gave them the best love and care you could through their life is not really much comfort. But knowing you could give them the ultimate gift of compassion is some comfort.
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