Missing Him and Welcoming Her.....

Well, Friday was an emotional roller coaster day. We took Djinn in for that awful decision we almost all have to make for our fur kids when it's time to help them pass over without pain. I wish we could be that compassionate for each other. His passing was probably the hardest one I have ever been present for. He purred the entire time until he was gone. Even the vet had tears because he had greeted him with a headbutt. It was so very hard.

I miss him terribly and going to sleep has been especially hard  without his presence on my pillow and his purrs. And my heart aches for that emptiness. I really loved him so very much, as I have all my soul mates that have chosen to share their love and soul with me. Djinn, you are missed greatly, I am sad and glad to have been able to help you pass without pain and with dignity and grace, I love you dearly little man.

After our heartbreaking morning we got the call that our new chairs had arrived at the warehouse in Albuquerque, hubby felt this might be a good thing for us to get out of the house for awhile. Well..... one thing led to another.

While he was loading the chairs in the trailer, I remembered an article link that a friend had posted on Facebook about the Albquerque Animal Welfare (Shelter etc.) had received 61 cats earlier in the week, and I had shared the link with my husband. And although we weren't going to bring a new soul home before Djinn's passing, I intuitively felt I should go see anyway. So I looked up the address links that were also provided to me, and Google mapped them. The main one was not overly far from where we were on the westside of town. So when he got back into the vehicle I asked if we could go see. He said ok.

So, off we went. We went into the young cats cattery there. I figured that we should look at a younger cat, at least less than a year. This was primarily because of how non-aggressive Yummy is to kittens, especially females. However, I went in there looking for males because pretty much all of my other soul mates have been male. I've never had a female kitty pick me or bond with me before.

I found two males in a corner area of the kennel, one was around 2 years and lovely markings, however when I put my hand up to him and the door, he pretty much ignored me. So I looked at his neighbor, a young black and white male kitten around 6 months in age. He was more willing to have attention paid to him, but neither of them really paid attention until my husband came over closer. When he got closer, they became very animated and clamored for attention. I asked the staff if I could hold the younger male first. Well, he really didn't want to be held and I could feel that there wasn't a connection with him so I let him back into his kennel. The older male was fine, but there was no connection there either. So, I proceeded around the kennels. Nothing really caught my eye until I came to one with a tiny silver tabby female cowering in the corner hissing at everyone.

We asked the female staff person in there about her. She said that she had been a stray but was getting more social. She usually hissed at everyone thought it was more bluff than feralness. She also noted to us that she was only able to get her to purr once. About that time a male staffer changed places with the woman. I asked to hold the little thing they were calling Dora. Well she hissed at him a little, but not me and I immediately started doing some tTouch and reiki with her. She snuggled into my arms and took to the touch like a duck to water. I was near tears at this point. And about then she moved around to tuck her head under my chin and neck and started purring to the astonishment of all staff. It really was all I could do to hold the tears back. And she purred a bit harder. Then something wonderful opened up, the connection and her name came through to me, and I was certain of it, Jasmine. A sweet name for a beautiful little kitten.

We asked the staff if I could take her home that day. He noted she had not been spayed yet or had her rabies vaccination and he gave me her kennel number and went off to ask the vet if we could take her and have our vet spay her at home. He came right back and said that if I really wanted her, they could spay her right then. So we said ok. However, she did not want to unattach herself from me and go with the gentleman for her spay. He headed out the door with her and we went back to the front offices to fill out paperwork and pay her adoption fees.

Getting all that done, we were told to come back around 4pm to pick her up and that she was still too young to have her rabies vaccination so we would have to have our veterinarian give her that when it was time and mail them a copy of the certificate.

Off we went for some lunch until we went back to pick her up. When we got back to pick her up, we happened to sit next to another woman and her son. She saw the picture on the paperwork in my hand and made a comment about how they had looked at her and she hissed and cowered from them and that she would need an awful lot of work to socialize and tame her. My husband calmly replied that we hadn't found that to be true at all. 

When it came our turn the vet assistant mentioned that she was just going to put her in the carry box as she wasn't very awake yet. So we signed our receipts, and took our little girl out the door. It was then that my husband noted that we should probably make sure we had the correct animal in the box. So I very gently opened one end and looked in. She looked up at me with fear in her little eyes until she recognized me and you could see the visible relief in her eyes.

Of course there is an adjustment period to acquaint her with the other pets and our household. However the first night for me was very painful. I sharply felt Djinn's loss on my pillow and his purrs that enabled me to sleep. I cried, and cried myself to sleep. It had been a long emotional day and I was running on less than 3 hours of sleep. Poor Yummy, bless his little heart. He must not have slept at all that night, he was going to check on her constantly in her kennel for the night and if I stirred or woke up he was cuddling me purring. Needless to say he spent most of yesterday racked out. He wants so badly to mother Jasmine, and she's not really sure about him yet, so she growls and hisses at him. And he is so patient and gentle around her. He also talks to her a lot, and is never far from her.

Last night we had her in the TV room with us and watched her learn to play with the cat toys for the first time in her life. We were both pretty much grinning stupidly I fear. This morning however, I picked her up and she cuddled with me and purred and slept in my arms for the better part of close to 3 hours. Hard to type one handed. Several times she'd stir and look up at me and touch noses. At one point she actually mewled at me, and it was such a tiny little sound, I was amazed. And it melted my heart into this big puddle of goo. Ah yup, my sister in-law was right, wasn't going to be any time at all that she would have me wrapped around her little paw.

It's been a up and down day I'll have to say. And holding her helps me with the pain of Djinn's absence. We'll see how it all goes. But for now she's safe and has a warm home with all the food she might want.

Waiting to say goodbye today

This week has been especially tough for us, and actually the last two weeks haven't been easy at all. I have had such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that cancer can grow and spread so very fast. I really did my best to keep hope that it wouldn't be so fast. And watching as it takes over my little guy's body is so very heartbreaking. Such an awful disease for anyone or any animal. I don't think anyone or any furbaby deserves it, so not fair.

Right now it's just after 4am, and I have been awake probably since around 1:30 or so. I can't sleep, it's time today, time to give him that ultimate gift of compassion and allow him to pass with grace, dignity and no more pain. And actually knowing this is tearing me up.

Someone I know made a remark to me yesterday about how it was best to "put him out of his misery". I have found that I really dislike that term. To me that term has always meant that you can't stand to see them "suffer" or that their condition makes you uncomfortable and you are putting them out of your misery. It's an awful term in my humble opinion. Misery to me means unhappiness, in a situation that seems hopeless, abuse, but not dying or in constant pain. I tried to explain to this person what it meant to me, and how just because an animal may develop a disability and it may be uncomfortable for you to watch them adapt or your perception of that disability is in a low place that you perceive they are in misery.

Actually many times they aren't. Animals are so much more adaptable in overcoming disabilities than we are. And it's their ability to adapt and overcome them that makes them so amazing and strong.

I noted to this person that knowing when to let them go is a harder and vastly different thing. She asked me what would you look for. I had to shake my head at that one because if you are truly in tune with your pet or animal companion, you would know when, they tell you when it's their time to be let go and when they need help letting go. This and knowing how to judge when they truly are suffering, in pain, and their quality of life is no longer there. They give us so very much that it's our responsibility to give them the loving and care all the way through their lives that we can.

All this is part in parcel of knowing when, and last night Djinn couldn't have told me any louder. This awful disease is progressing so much faster that I could have thought. This little guy has so much love in him it's incredible. He started his life somewhere, and someone did not want him by the time he was 6 months old and he ended up in our local shelter. He was slated for euthanasia when my dad found him for me. Needless to say, we've never regretted that decision 13 yrs later. He's been an amazing personality and always communicated through his eyes. And he is my reason for being so addicted to purring. And throughout all of this with the cancer and everything, he is still purring. I have only to hold him or pet him with love and he purrs. I think it's this strength that he has that even though he really is suffering now and in pain, that he continues to give of himself that makes this so very hard. And however much I don't want to lose that love and companionship, I know I need to do what is right by him. I cannot really let him suffer at all anymore. When you are truly in tune and aware of your pets and companions, you do truly know when, and they really do tell you it's time.

I have to admit though that it is so hard, and I am so sad and mad about having to make that trip and tell the vet yet again. And come home empty handed. My home and my heart will feel so empty for some time, and even knowing that you did all you could and gave them the best love and care you could through their life is not really much comfort. But knowing you could give them the ultimate gift of compassion is some comfort.

Cats and bonds

First off let me preface this by saying that this particular post is my own observations, feelings and experiences. They are facts to me and how I perceive my experiences through the years with cats. That being said now, I will proceed to ramble on here.

There have always been cats in my life even from the time I was born, my parents had a cat or two. Currently I have just two of my kitties left with me, the others having passed on over the years. The most I've had in my house at one time is 6. I have cherished each and every little furry soul that has shared their lives with me, and I've always had at least one as my soul mate. One who was bonded very close to me. I've always considered myself a cat person.
(Djinn)

I've found that people who truly understand cats and have a true bond with them are probably the most creative and forgive the easiest. This is not to say that dog people don't know how to forgive or aren't creative, but cats are definitely draw to very creative people. I have found this to be true for me as any time I am working creatively either on the loom, or drawing, or such, they are all always there, curled up around me and on or around my work. People who don't understand this bond or don't understand cats are usually uncomfortable around them. It's sad really. Cats are survivors, they are hunters with amazing stealth, grace and speed, they are lovers, they are healers, they can be unselfish, and they are comfort providers. They also give without asking for much and don't require as much from us for their care usually as dogs do. They can be self-sufficient when the need arises. I have also learned about true compassion from the cats in my life. They have taught me a lot over the years.

Back in early October, one of my two remaining boys, Djinn (my kitty soul mate at this time), came down ill with what seemed an upper respiratory infection. In fact upon taking him to the vet, this was the initial diagnosis. He also had what seemed to be an infection in the mouth, which is not unusual with a upper respiratory infection. But we opted to wait till he got over the sinus infection before taking care of teeth because he was so sick. We were loaded up on two very strong antibiotics and some nasal drops. None of these gave much relief or seemed to help any. So we tried a second course of antibiotics of a different type, they seemed to help a bit more but not much. Again, I consulted with another vet in the clinic and took him in. Because he really hadn't had much improvement the vet suspected a tumor or cancer in the sinuses, Djinn felt comfortable with this vet, and purred for him throughout it all. So we were to return in about 3 days to have the vet take x-rays, flush the sinuses and take care of the teeth in case there was just an abscess in the teeth that could be causing things.

Well, the diagnosis was cancer, nasal lymphoma to be exact. I was devastated and heartbroken. The vet said it really wasn't operable, and chemo is very hard on cats and we certainly could not afford chemo with an out of town vet. So his next suggestion was steroids to help shrink the tumor and perhaps give him more time which could be anywhere from a month to 2 yrs at the longest. He was also put back on antibiotics to counter secondary infections after the teeth had been extracted. This all happened Thanksgiving week.

We were determined to give him whatever he wanted and however much he wanted to eat as he needed to put weight back on. I also spent as much time with him, loving him and giving him healing as I could.

Thanksgiving day I was pretty much preoccupied getting my house and food ready for the afternoon as family was coming for supper. It wasn't until my husband was out running errands and I went upstairs to clean up for the afternoon that while I was getting ready for my shower I noticed that Djinn had run up the stairs after me and that for the first time he wasn't wheezing or struggling to get a breath. I was so shocked I literally fell onto the bench at the end of our bed and sat there crying with thanks. He of course looked at me like I had lost it. But I was so thankful as it meant the steroids were shrinking the tumor and this would give us more time together. He even came downstairs not long after my family arrived to greet my father, (usually he avoids lots of people and the two nephews because they are too active for him). My dad was so touched by his gesture. It was the best Thanksgiving gift I could have ever hoped for.

Over the next month I watched him get more active and put on weight and play. I really was so thankful. However, I guess it was not to last, two days before Christmas I discovered a double lump in the lymph gland under his right jaw. My heart fell to my feet. My intuition told me that he wasn't to be with me a whole lot longer. Monday after Christmas he started wheezing and having trouble breathing again. I knew the tumor had grown again and was metastasizing into the lymph system, and things were happening rapidly. I talked to the vet this week about this, and he agreed with my assessment of what was happening. For now we agreed to up his dosage of steroids to afford him a bit more time, but it's still a waiting game, we know we'll have to make that very hard decision to give him the ultimate act of compassion when he says it's time or when his quality of life is no longer there.

I am very heartsick, and am scared at the same time. You see, I have always, always had a animal soul mate, cat or dog, usually male, in my life, and usually when one passes on, there has been another already here to take up the reins of being my companion and protector of my soul. What scares me is that there is not another furry kid waiting in the wings to share life with me. While I have another cat, and two little female dogs left here, they are all pretty much bonded with my husband. Yummy, the cat, he loves us both, but he owns my husband. Djinn knows he hasn't got much time left with me, and he knows my heart is breaking, I guess he's known for some time now. Since the tumor has grown back he's pretty much inseparable from me, he follows me everywhere and sleeps on my pillow every night. He craves the healing and tTouch as they help him some to breathe easier, but he can't put his head down fully to sleep because the sinuses block up. He will put his chin on my hand  to sleep as he can so his head is raised a touch.

Throughout all this, he has been quick to love, to purr and to cuddle. He's always purred and even if he's struggling to breathe, the minute you love on him, or direct energy, he purrs. He also throughout his life has communicated to me with his eyes. He loves to look us in the eyes and you really can see the communication of love from him. I think this is why my father was so drawn to him when he adopted him from the Animal Shelter for me over 13 yrs ago. This is one example of what I mean about how unselfish and selfless they can be. Despite his being gravely ill, he continues to give love and comfort to those he cares for.

So, for now I will continue to spoil him rotten, wipe his little nose, feed him whatever or whenever he wants, cuddle him, and give him all the love and healing I can. I will cherish the time I have with him. And learn the lessons he and life are handing me. And I will know that the next one will step in when it is the right time.