A few observations on the laws of pet ownership...

I thought perhaps I would do something on the laws of physics and how they apply to my pets anyway.

We've all heard "An object at rest tends to stay at rest", well that doesn't quite apply to pets now does it?



Here's my take on things:

1. A cat in full sleep mode attains a semi-liquid condition and cannot be picked up easily.

2. Waking a dog suddenly from full sleep mode tends to get the offender bitten.

3. If your book, magazine, paper, etc is open either on a lap or flat surface, this is an absolute invitation to your cat to occupy said space for maximum attention.

4. If you have more than 2 pets in a house, expect to find fur in your food and drink.

5. When you are in a hurry to be dressed to leave for something important will be the time the cat hacks up a furball into your shoes, or the dog to develop diarrhea on the carpet.

6. Forget being able to wear all black again, it doesn't matter the type of fabric, it is an absolute magnet for all possible light colored fur in the home.

7. Cat's tails will always find a way to be where you are just setting your foot down when you are never ever fully awake. You will be soon though!

8. Cats really do expand to fill a space! A kingsize bed is a necessity for the pets not a luxury.

9. Pets will seek out the warmest locations in cold weather, this means under the covers snuggled up to you until you try to roll over then you get the switchblade effect.

10. Trying to be considerate of your sleeping spouse and quietly creeping in to bed is a sure way to get bitten by the dog who thinks you're the bogeyman after his mamma.

11. Your having a tummyache is a sure invitation to the heaviest cat in the house  to come make you feel better by standing with all his weight on two feet or actively kneading your tummy.

12. Intimacy is an invitation for the pets to give you the "Oh Yuck" digusted look and stare at you.

13.  If you are looking for something important, and in a hurry, this is probably the signal that it's been chewed up by one of the dogs or been drug off an hidden by a cat as a toy for later.

14. Don't leave sparkly items out, like jewelry, the result is the same at #13.

15. Sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack is a sure signal that the dogs are to bark at you instead of barking at the person sneaking through your backyard.

16. You glass with ice water in it is much tastier when the paw is dipped in and licked off. This ensures that it is no longer the Hooman's water.

17. Never wear too much cologne, you will surely be watered down (peed on) by the dog before you can leave for your date, thereby ensuring you change clothes at least once to reduce the aromas.

18. Going to bed too early because you're exhausted is a mistake, it will ensure that the dogs feel you didn't spend enough time with them and they will howl and sing for the next 10 to 20 minutes.

19. Trying to be considerate of others still sleeping and not turning on lights ensures you will trip over a cat, especially if it's anywhere near the stairs.

20. If it's lit up and sparkly it must be the Christmas Tree and therefore requires climbing and playing with all the sparklies!

21. If the plate has food that has melted cheese or roasted meat on it, if you get up from the table to get something it will certainly be gone before you get back.



22. If it's a bag, or box and it's empty, it's now the cat's playhouse and ankles and toes are fair game.

23. No matter how frustrating they can be at times, they still give you unconditional love.

I am sure I have missed some in here some where, but these are what I can remember or come up with, have anything to add?

A Dog's top ten peeves they have about us humans

I thought I would share this as I receivd it from a friend.

 

'1'  Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!! l ---------------------------------------------- '2'  Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG -------------------------------------------------- '3'  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? -------------------------------------------------- '4'  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! -------------------------------------------------- '5'  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. -------------------------------------------------- '6'  The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whooooooo Hoooooooo - what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. -------------------------------------------------- '7'  Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! -------------------------------------------------- '8'  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. -------------------------------------------------- '9'  Dog sweaters. Hellooooo ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? -------------------------------------------------- '10'  How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. -------------------------------------------------- Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

A bit of humor: How to photograph a puppy and How to give your cat a pill

Well, as I've had such a sad start to the week, I figured by now a little humor might brighten things up. They are both "How To's" which when I first read them years ago had me in tears I was laughing so hard. I hope you'll enjoy them now......



How to Photograph a Puppy (before digital cameras)

1.  Remove film from box and load camera.

2.  Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.

3.  Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4.  Choose a suitable background for photo.

5.  Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.

6.  Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7.  Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8.  Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9.  Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"

16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.

17. Fix a drink.

18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.





How to give your cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding front and rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foilwrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap,

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive to you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house-call.

And..... Remember, kitties hold a grudge and will get back at you when you least expect it!